So it is no secret that I am always praying for my future husband. Also not a secret, is the fact that sometimes I get really sad and worried that maybe I don’t have a future husband. Yet another not secret, I am so inpatient. Add ‘em all together, and you get some “Will I be forever alone?!”-meltdowns every now and then. It seems like every week at Mass, I somehow have one, or a baby one at least. And every week at Mass, God tenderly reminds me that is not the case. In the past year, I have felt Him put a peace on my heart that I cannot explain. But I am still human, and still lose sight of Him at times, just like Peter did on the water (Matthew 14:27-32). And just like Peter, I am reminded, me of little faith, that I can trust Him.
One Sunday in particular, I remember sitting in my pew, by myself, watching the families in the pews around me. I started crying. This wave of fear overwhelmed me. What if I never got to have that? What if I never got to bring my kids to church and fill up a pew and talk to them about the parable read at mass? What if no one ever loved me? What if I sat in a pew by myself forever? It all came flooding over me. I remember wiping my tears and asking God to show me what He wanted me to hear in the readings that day, because I was hurting so much. Well. The Gospel that day was from Matthew, the first call of the disciples. As my eyes followed along in the missilett, I heard the lector read Matthew 4:19:
“Come after me, and I will make you fishers of men.”
The God of the Universe heard me, and answered me. So sweetly, and lovingly. He met me where I was. I know that seems like it could be a creepy verse in response to the emotions I was feeling at the beginning of Mass. But it made every bit of sense to me. It meant everything. It meant He hadn’t forgotten about me. Instead, it meant He had a great plan, and man, in store for me. It meant He has saved a man for me. Not a guy, or a boy, or a dude, a man. A man of God. A man after His own heart. For me.
But it is so important to see the first part of that verse. And at the time, I did not see it. “Come after me.” It does not say, “Hey, for free, I’m just gonna grant you this amazing ___!” It says “Come after me.” Jesus also did not say, “slowly prance behind me” or “toddle towards me.” Although it is important to remember He is a patient God who welcomes all speeds. He said “Come after me.” Pursue me. Furiously and passionately, “Come after me.” And that is the part I over looked.
I’ve been sitting here for the past year waiting on the magical fish genie to grant me my man. Which brings me to where I am at today…to be continued….