original post date 3/9/14
so lately everything has been really hard.
Nothing has made sense lately. I have been hurting so much. When I moved away to college, I went alone. I had no friends, family or any idea of what was going on around me. That’s what I wanted. I wanted a fresh start with fresh people. I had no idea what to expect. It was a completely different culture and different people. And I had to learn about all this the hard way.
It seems like last month was the hardest month in which I had to learn these lessons. It literally started out with a crazy twist that left me confused, hurt and totally shaken. Then, it seemed like I was completely annihilated. I felt totally attacked by so many people. People I thought I could trust, did their best job of going out of their way to prove me wrong. I had never, ever been so hurt. I was so confused. I couldn’t understand why these things would happen. I had been such a good friend to these people, and done my job to the best of me ability and then some. It just didn’t make sense.
I also didn’t understand why God would ask me to go through this.I couldn’t see the lesson I was learning. I couldn’t understand why I was at this place where I was being so attacked and miserable. It was so confusing. I began to get angry with God, but really, more hurt than anything. I felt completely alone. The very people I had come to love and be close friends with, were the ones making my life so hard. It just didn’t make sense.
Like I said earlier, it is Spring Break. I’m taking a trip to Kerrville with my family and on the way to the camp I turned on the radio. There was a broadcast of a live Hillsong concert. I already love Hillsong and their latest cd, so I turned it up. When the song “Oceans” came on, I cranked it up. I love that song so much and I feel like I could relate with the stage I am in, in life (college, majors, life decisions). But especially lately, with the place I am in with friends and everything else. After the main part of the song, Joel Houston shared his testimony. During his story, it all made sense. I love the words of the song, so much. But when it says ” lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever YOU would call me.” And it all was in perspective. Where He calls me. Not where I pick, or where I want to go, or the most glamorous places with the easiest paths. It’s about what He wants and where He wants me.
I have a choice. I either commit to the mystery of God and trust He will work things out. Or, I can doubt and live in worry and anxiety. It isn’t going to be easy. It isn’t going to happen over night. I am ready to start committing to the mystery. He has never failed, and He won’t start now.