plans pt. 2: humility

word of the week(s): humility- a modest or low view of one’s own importance

oh, humility. the opposite of pride. I have always prided myself in not being a prideful person…the irony. I have always been grateful pride was never something I struggled with too much. sure I wasn’t the most humble and meek person to ever walk the face of the planet, but I wouldn’t have listed pride on my struggle list. welllll. little did I know….

apparently, as I have learned over the past few weeks, I have a big problem with pride. during camp, one of the priest told me I had too much pride. that took me aback. I asked him what he meant and he said, “you don’t go around thinking you know how to do everything better than everyone, but you don’t give God control of your plans.” I had never thought of pride that way before, it made sense. the priest actually told me “to get over yourself.” so there was that, too. I heard what he said about pride, but I didn’t really focus on it too much because I didn’t think it was a huge concern in my life at the moment.

flash forward. I am drowning looking for an apartment in Austin. I cannot find one anywhere. my internship is in jeopardy now, because if I cannot find a place to live, I won’t be able to be there. the internship I worked so hard to get. the internship I forged ahead to secure, even though it was barely anything I wanted to do in the real world. the internship with Catholic Charities, that surely the Lord would want me at. and on top of all of that, I had already told SO many people I was moving to Austin. and that I was graduating in December. and now, now all of that was be threatened. the thought of having to tell people I wasn’t going to be in Austin, OR not graduating, was literally making me sick.

as I scrambled to make the situation in Austin better, I could feel myself stretching. I could feel myself grasping. I could hear Him telling me I was grasping for something and not letting Him bless me. the Lord doesn’t ask us to stretch ourselves too thin. He doesn’t ask us to manage more than we can handle. He comes in, and meets us where we are at. He meets our needs. and the more I evaluated the Austin situation, the more I could see the Lord was not using this placement in Austin to meet my need and that He wanted to bless me, but this wasn’t it.

so, I had to make a tough decision. I turned down the Austin internship. the Lord humbled me SO SO SO much through this. to have to say, I do not have it all together. to say, I have no idea what is coming next. to say, I have some sort of plan stringing together in the background, but ultimately, I am turning this down with nothing but uncertainty staring me in the face. to say, my plans and ideas are miserable in comparison to yours (bytheway, wanna fill me in on those cause I’m behind). to say here Lord, take control.

in turning down the Austin internship, I had to move back home, with my parents, HUMILITY. to move back to home my senior year of college, are you kidding me?! I am someone who always had a plan; who always knew what was next in my life. and the Lord basically took all that security and certainty away. He said, here, turn down your internship and completely depend on my plan and providence even though you can’t see any of it. oh, okay, thanks, sounds perfect, k, bye. TERRIBLE .

He called me to something higher. to depending on Him. to releasing my pride. to come after him, fully and unabashedly. to get over myself and out of His way. to lean not on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5-6).

Jesus is continuing to teach me so much about humility. He is constantly teaching me how much better His plans are. even in the smallest things. He is daily breaking my pride so that I can become lesser and He can become greater. what love. seriously, that is not sarcasm. as I embark on this new adventure of an internship, I have no doubt that the Lord will continue to teach my humility. and I cannot wait.

part seven: waiting

mmmm. have I learned about waiting in the past three weeks. geez. the Lord has taught me so much.

I have been trying to settle this internship/apartment situation for the past three weeks and it has been an actual nightmare.

so, what first started out as an apartment hunt soon turned into an internship hunt. plot twist. while looking for an apartment, there is only so much one can do. I looked up several, several, places. several meaning a minimum of fifty apartment complexes. I called all over Austin. I visited at least thirty-five complexes. and applied at two. but in the middle of all of that, there is a lot of waiting involved. waiting for returned calls, available apartments and applications processing.

and then, my life turned into a search for a new internship. which involved even more waiting. waiting on agencies and administrators to get back to me, for paper work to be processed, for an internship to get approved. literally, my life quickly turned into a joke/definition of chaos&uncertainty/the waiting game.

but one thing kept replaying in my head: the Lord is working in my waiting.

and over and over again, in the midst of my panic, fear and actual utter confusion, I could hear “I am working in your waiting,”(Psalm 33:20-22) “I am constant.” constantly reminding me that even though I am in the middle of what feels like an absolute desert, the Lord is constantly at work in my life and the lives of so many others orchestrating something better than my wildest dreams.

waiting can be agonizing. paralyzing. MISERABLE. annoying. frustrating. discouraging. freakin’ the worst. and trusting in God’s promises in the midst of all those emotions..psshhh. yeah, right. easily one of the hardest things  I have had to do in a while.

but there is so much glory.

over the summer, Jesus taught me the power of belief. something so simple, but at times so complex. something super challenging. Jesus reminds Martha to believe and she will experience His glory (John 11:40). when I think about this story, I am reminded of how many times I need to believe (I will definitely dig into this story deeper, because it is so powerful). how in the middle of my waiting, however long it may be-three weeks for an internship/apartment or 21+ years for a husband, it is completely vital that I believe fully in the power and might of our God and His glory. that I press into Him. that I need to believe in His providence and promises.

I have experienced Him working in my waiting through this internship/apartment scandal (HA!). and I pray that I can hold onto the lessons, many lessons, He has shown me over the past three weeks. one of the biggest being: I am working in your waiting.