“i want to leave”

*originally posted in showngreatlove.wordpress.com*

that is the name of the form the girls fill out when they want to leave. a girl finds a staff member, says “I want to leave” and we give her the form to complete saying she wants to leave our needs assessment center.

I have said goodbye to three girls in four days.

not happy goodbyes as they go to another program or shelter. heartbreaking goodbyes as they go back to the very people and situations that pushed them to their rock bottom not even a week ago. they are going back to the lion’s den, but it is the lion’s den they know, and there is comfort in that. as dark, scary, unpredictable and evil as is can be, it is what they know, and that familiarity is what beckons them back.

what is extra crazy, is that these girls were on the brink of greatness. each on of them was doing so good! they were just starting to dig in, and see what a new life would look like. they were doing the work. and then just like that, almost out of nowhere, “I want to leave.” and they were gone. back to their “comfort zone”, their default. it’s like autopilot. as soon as they can see the beginnings of “new”, and they feel sobriety, and they start seeing that it is possible and attainable for them, they run. the control of their trafficker can still pull them back, even without having any contact with them.

I understand the research. I know the effects of trauma.I have studied abuse. I know about the cycle, manipulation, and the pull & control the trafficker has over these girls. but knowing all of this doesn’t make it any easier to watch her leave. it doesn’t feel right letting her go. everything in me wants to run after her, wrap my arms around her and let her know that things will get better. that things are hard now, but worth it. that she is worth it. to stick it out. but instead, I have to let her walk out-as she takes a piece of my heart with her.

my heart is so broken, so hurt. and as I watch these ladies leave, I hear Jesus say

“it hurts Me more, even in the little ways.”

and just like that, it is about me & the ways I turn away from the Lord. the ways I run from  His goodness. the ways I trade His safety, security and abundance for my own sinful ways. He offers me so much, and when faced with the idea of leaving my comfort zone for what He is promising, I run. even in the little ways that I turn my back on Him and choose to do things my way, on my terms. how many times do I say to Him “I want to leave” and He just lets me go? He can see the bigger picture, He can see what is around the corner, but He lets me go every time. what suffering.

my heart breaks every. single. time. a lady leaves. but even in that, it is just a fraction of the heartbreak Jesus experiences when she leaves. or when I leave. even though we aren’t running back to the same story, situation or life, we are both running. we both want to leave. and that I can understand.

So you, by the help of your God, return, hold fast to love and justice, and wait continually on your God.

hosea 12:6

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