this might be one of the hardest seasons yet.
i am writing this from a gazebo, with a very anxious puppy under my legs and an empty coffee cup.
but there is a sweet breeze. and i’m surrounded by stunning trees. and i’m reminded of the sweetness and provision of our God.
it has been really hard to rest. even in this invitation to rest, i find myself wanting to make a schedule of things to do, books to read, bible studies to complete, journals to write. but then i actually find myself watching netflix and scared that my new dog is going to bark all day if i leave the house.
last semester, when i was in the middle of school, i remember praying for my next job. i remember saying
“I am so tired of always looking and scavenging for jobs, God, it would be really nice if this next job found me.”
i might have even prayed that a few times. and i remember thinking, “okay, yeah. a job is not going to find me. i’m not that cool or even known” and i kept striving and grasping to apply and find a job in meantime.
well here i am. a week and half post-grad, with no job. instead, i have a sincere and direct invitation from the Lord to rest. and even as i am typing these words, under the gazebo at the park i am asking myself, “but is that really what He said? am i sure I heard Him right? maybe i’m just misinterpreting this whole thing” stupid satan. go-away. i must ask myself these questions about three times a day, minimum. but i know the truth. i know HIs voice, and i know what He said.
one of the many days where i was asking and striving and applying for RANDO jobs, i came to Him exhausted and a little teary telling Him how tired i was, and how i just wanted a job. and He said,
“do you remember what you prayed last semester?”
and i knew what He meant. so i said “yes, but i can’t wait on a job to find me. and they aren’t going to find me. thats ridiculous. i need to find one now.” and He said,
“do you remember the first part of that prayer?”
and i said, “yeah, i’m so tired of looking!!!! like i am right now!!!” and He said,
“so I wanted to give you the rest you’ve been looking for.”
so true to who He is. He sees past the request i am making, and into the one i am really making. and that was a request to stop striving. to rest.
and that is what He is giving me. but it’s not as sweet and nice as it sounds. it is really hard to rest. to stop and slow down. but it also doesn’t mean vegging out. and doing nothing. so i am learning to find the balance. spend time asking Him what He wants me to do, and how i can rest more.