the cost.

i am back in Waco. in one of my favorite places to reflect and spend time, collins street bakery. I’ve been here less than 24 hours, but it has been one of the most healing and refreshing times. there is a certain clarity that is here and i don’t know if its just the culture or the way the people here have contended for Heaven and have cultivate that past just the sanctuary or maybe it is my own personal history here of meeting with God and easily finding Him here (what a run on sentence that was). But whatever it is here, its real and its palpable and tangible and i feel a HUGE weight lifted and a deep relief. i feel really known here. and its funny because i really don’t know that many people here. but i invested in this place and allowed it to invest in me. when i’m here, i feel like i’m able to come back into alignment with who i really am, my most authentic self. it feels safe and familiar.

funny enough, that is not always the way i feel about home. even though it is familiar, it does not feel safe. it feels rocky, unstable and i feel like i am always being watched-not seen. and that is a really hard transition from living here and feeling so known. it feels like it demands performance and perfection and a slip up would mean ultimate doom. highhhh stakesss!! which i know, in my mind, is not reality. but that is still how it feels.

its easy while i’m here to get even more offended. to feel even more like i cant trust God and how dare He bring me to this place that feels so unsafe. aren’t we supposed to go from glory to glory? not glory to misery. why would He spend time growing and developing my heart to bring me somewhere to starve it out?

but that isn’t true either. He brought me there BECAUSE of what He grew and stewarded. not in spite of it, or because He forgot. my being there is not an oversight. its intentional. and purposeful.

one of the people i have been able to connect with while im here on this short trip was talking to me about this quote she saw from a small business owner talked about how now she is doing great and seeing so much fruit from all her hard work, but the real victory and glory was in the beginning-when she kept showing up when it didn’t make sense, it wasn’t always working and the numbers weren’t stellar. it was her perseverance and dedication to what she was doing that brought the fruit and success in the future.

that really resonated with me. i know that to be true. and i am keenly aware in the middle of this season that i am learning invaluable lessons and getting gold deposits (even though it feels like dynamite exploding the mine shaft). and its hard to think about not being able to see the fruit, i may never see this fruit. in the way i expect at least. even if the only fruit i see is the fruit in my own life- i need to be more in-tune with and aware of what that might be or look like.

although i may not feel like i am in my dream job right now, that doesn’t mean that this is not a integral part of the dream to come. its part of the cost. its part of the process. its part of learning and growing. but in the same breath, it is the dream job. because the dream was to work with Jesus. the dream was to love His church. the dream was to help heal His bride. and that is what i am doing. even though it is not the way i thought it would be or even the way i wanted to be. it is important. it is significant. it is worthy work.

and one thing i have to let sink is, is the Father is not disappointed in me. He isn’t frustrated that i am not using my social work degree in a traditional form. He isn’t frustrated that i don’t know all the ways to do my job now. He isn’t mad that i am struggling in certain areas and don’t have all the answers. that’s hard for me to understand because i am frustrated at myself for those reasons. so if i’m upset about them, how could He not be?

I’m trying to learn to integrate all of this. because this is all part of the cost. this is how i learn how to process and move through my life and job. the cost is the struggle. the cost is dealing with these hurts in my heart, to become a more integrate, healthy person in my professional and personal life. because all of these things will form me and grow me into the clinician, pastor, friend, sister, daughter and hopefully eventually wife and mother that I am called to be.

this is all part of the dream.

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