i’m back

hi, have you missed me?

its been almost a year, which feels crazy and also untrue. i really thought i had been on here since last summer. but maybe not. anyway. i’m here now. actually i am in florida. for the 4th time in as many months. crazy. i am here to visit my best friend and recover, reset, recreate, revision, rewrite, redream, all the re-s. this last year and half of my job has been wild. the last fall felt way better and way smoother and really felt like i had so much of a better grip on everything.

but here we are. in the spring, and there is truly nothing like the spring. to say that it is wild would be an understatement. its non stop. so, i booked a flight to florida to spend time with my best friend and re-evaluate. and what. a. week.

there have been so many things i have wanted to do this year and so many projects i wanted to get going (for years) but i say i never have time for them. which is partially true, but thats because i don’t manage it. so this week has given me space to think about and pray about alot of different things. mostly personal, which has been so desperately much needed. but now, at the end of the week, i am starting to look at the professional aspects of what i need to do.

one of those things i really want to pour into is the creation of the garden. i need to be more intentional about setting aside time to write and create content for that.

but personally, there is such a need for setting a schedule in place. the more i realize how many goals and dreams i have, the more i realize i am not using my time effectively AT ALL! i used to really stick to a schedule, and i lived and died by it. but then, as i learned my life did not have to be perfect, and i didn’t have to live by a schedule, i stopped using one. well, that lead to this crazy manic state i am in now. where i do so much and so little at the same time and am pretty consumed with anxiety all the time in between.

enter in: the schedule.

so i am going to try to go back to scheduling way better. and getting more done within said schedule. because what do we know, within boundaries, there is FREEDOM. so i need that freedom. and its going to be different to learn how to balance these boundaries and ministry, because that is a whole ‘nother thing. but in my schedule, i want to be blogging more and writing more on here and getting back into a rhythm of doing creative things. so hopefully, it wont be long before you hear from me again.

the cost.

i am back in Waco. in one of my favorite places to reflect and spend time, collins street bakery. I’ve been here less than 24 hours, but it has been one of the most healing and refreshing times. there is a certain clarity that is here and i don’t know if its just the culture or the way the people here have contended for Heaven and have cultivate that past just the sanctuary or maybe it is my own personal history here of meeting with God and easily finding Him here (what a run on sentence that was). But whatever it is here, its real and its palpable and tangible and i feel a HUGE weight lifted and a deep relief. i feel really known here. and its funny because i really don’t know that many people here. but i invested in this place and allowed it to invest in me. when i’m here, i feel like i’m able to come back into alignment with who i really am, my most authentic self. it feels safe and familiar.

funny enough, that is not always the way i feel about home. even though it is familiar, it does not feel safe. it feels rocky, unstable and i feel like i am always being watched-not seen. and that is a really hard transition from living here and feeling so known. it feels like it demands performance and perfection and a slip up would mean ultimate doom. highhhh stakesss!! which i know, in my mind, is not reality. but that is still how it feels.

its easy while i’m here to get even more offended. to feel even more like i cant trust God and how dare He bring me to this place that feels so unsafe. aren’t we supposed to go from glory to glory? not glory to misery. why would He spend time growing and developing my heart to bring me somewhere to starve it out?

but that isn’t true either. He brought me there BECAUSE of what He grew and stewarded. not in spite of it, or because He forgot. my being there is not an oversight. its intentional. and purposeful.

one of the people i have been able to connect with while im here on this short trip was talking to me about this quote she saw from a small business owner talked about how now she is doing great and seeing so much fruit from all her hard work, but the real victory and glory was in the beginning-when she kept showing up when it didn’t make sense, it wasn’t always working and the numbers weren’t stellar. it was her perseverance and dedication to what she was doing that brought the fruit and success in the future.

that really resonated with me. i know that to be true. and i am keenly aware in the middle of this season that i am learning invaluable lessons and getting gold deposits (even though it feels like dynamite exploding the mine shaft). and its hard to think about not being able to see the fruit, i may never see this fruit. in the way i expect at least. even if the only fruit i see is the fruit in my own life- i need to be more in-tune with and aware of what that might be or look like.

although i may not feel like i am in my dream job right now, that doesn’t mean that this is not a integral part of the dream to come. its part of the cost. its part of the process. its part of learning and growing. but in the same breath, it is the dream job. because the dream was to work with Jesus. the dream was to love His church. the dream was to help heal His bride. and that is what i am doing. even though it is not the way i thought it would be or even the way i wanted to be. it is important. it is significant. it is worthy work.

and one thing i have to let sink is, is the Father is not disappointed in me. He isn’t frustrated that i am not using my social work degree in a traditional form. He isn’t frustrated that i don’t know all the ways to do my job now. He isn’t mad that i am struggling in certain areas and don’t have all the answers. that’s hard for me to understand because i am frustrated at myself for those reasons. so if i’m upset about them, how could He not be?

I’m trying to learn to integrate all of this. because this is all part of the cost. this is how i learn how to process and move through my life and job. the cost is the struggle. the cost is dealing with these hurts in my heart, to become a more integrate, healthy person in my professional and personal life. because all of these things will form me and grow me into the clinician, pastor, friend, sister, daughter and hopefully eventually wife and mother that I am called to be.

this is all part of the dream.

I want to show you that I Am…


that is my new word for this new year.

as i was just thinking over the new year to come, i was causally thinking about needing to set aside time to ask God about a new word and i heard


a little surprised, i kind of asked God what that meant/if that was really the word/thought that must be what i want the word to be, because i love thinking about the faithfulness of God/it felt a little ironic because as i reflect on 2017, i feel like let down and like maybe i didn’t really see His faithfulness in all of the ways i wanted to

and as i was thinking of these things, i heard Him say

I want to show you that I Am faithful. 

my response to that was “of course you are! I know you are! I love that you are faithful!”

but my heart knew what i was holding onto. the places where i still felt frustrated that He had not been faithful. that there were promises and hopes that i felt like He had forgotten this year.

He was calling me out. He saw me, in my hiding. But what a sweet kindness. That He is a Father who sees my doubts, my questions, my hurts and is willing to prove me wrong. He wants to show me the Truth of who He is. and i don’t know what that faithfulness will look like in this new year. but I am willing to trust Him and find out what He has in store.



what a year. it has been kinda crazy and i really can’t believe it is over.

when this year started, i really felt like it would be my best year ever. and it honestly, was one of the best. but it was also one of the toughest. in the last year, i have graduated from grad school, lived unemployed for several months, moved back to my parents home, survived a 100 year flood, road tripped across the country with one of my best friends, visited the grand canyon, learned about rest, got a new job, and bought a new car.

my word for the year was health. and while it started out strong, and lasted strong for several months, i am learning that health isnt something you conquer. it is a journey. it is a story. it is a choice. it is a lifestyle. it is going to take time to find what healthy looks like for me and what sustainability looks like in each season. as i reflect on where i am ending 2017, i cant help but think this was a total move to help me really take health seriously for the first time ever. in all aspects of my life.

there were lots of lessons and here a few, especially from the last few months:

  1. sometimes He asks us to leave the 99 for the 1
  2. complaining about doing something out of obedience doesn’t add “holy” points
  3. there is only love in the eyes of the Father
  4. a lease really is a good idea
  5. it is important to honor what you have been called to do
  6. hometowns have a way of making you feel like a teenager sometimes
  7. Heaven is freaking cheering you on
  8. He sees it all
  9. it is VITAL that i create, it is a life source
  10. He puts the air back in our lungs
  11. people really do want to love the Lord
  12. choosing family is hard
  13. silence is not an absence of something, it is full of everything
  14. making a mess is okay, you aren’t kicked out of the family
  15. it isn’t worth it to give an offering that isn’t costly
  16. collaboration over comparison
  17. He can handle your disappointment
  18. He knows where you are, and its okay that you are there
  19. He still hasn’t fallen off His throne
  20. He isn’t scared of anything
  21. you aren’t alone
  22. He comes in close
  23. He will send the Holy Spirit
  24. He is so proud to be seen with you
  25. You are the gift He gives to Himself
  26. real love requires a response; if you dont have a response to love, you didnt receive it
  27. serve. where. you. are. planted


this summer.

**originally posted july 24, 2017**

this summer has looked different than i planned. i would have never thought that it would have played out this way. that i would still be unemployed at the end of july. but even though this has been some of the hardest few months, they have been more rich and filled than anything i could have imagined. here are some of the lessons i have learned:

  1. the power of praising while we wait
  2. there is no “in between” with God
  3. authority comes from intimacy
  4. intimacy grows in the wilderness
  5. everything He does is for our freedom
  6. no matter where you are, you’re getting something done
  7. there is no higher calling than the one God invited you into
  8. saying yes in the secret place builds friendship with Jesus
  9. scarcity is a lie
  10. He hasn’t forgotten the dreams in our hearts
  11. Eternity measures success in relationships
  12. He is better than we think He is
  13. you can get your hopes up
  14. He knows exactly where we are
  15. stewarding what’s in our hearts & on our lives is a great act of obedience that bears lasting fruit
  16. celebrating with others brings freedom
  17. we can trust Him with our hearts
  18. if He said it, He’ll do it
  19. He is spinning over me in delight
  20. good is the enemy of greatness
  21. He turns our disappointments into a dance floor
  22. we work & live from delight, not for it
  23. ministry is out of an overflow of relationship
  24. if the enemy can’t keep your heart from burning for ministry, he’ll use your ministry to burn you out
  25. the only time you’ll find God in a box is when He wants to be where we are
  26. bravery is walking straight into fear & pulling on confidence that doesn’t exist in our human mind
  27. it’s not about being right, it’s about being close
  28. rest improves the quality of everything you do
  29. He gives what we need
  30. scarcity is a lie
  31. His love is not based on performance
  32. identity is not in what you produce


i love the idea of promises. something that will happen. it will. because it was promised.

however, i am slow to make promises. because i dont want to promise something i cant deliver.

but God, He doesn’t shy away from promises. in fact, He speaks in promises (Isaiah 55:11). and to me, that is romantic. He promises to come through, and He always does.

i often find myself reminding God of His promises, like He forgot them. and He is kind, and lets me rattle them off to Him. but i know this is out of fear and concern that He forgot them and is not gonna come through and it’ll just be a broken promise, something i’ll have to settle for later down the road.


not true. i recently found this verse:

For the Son of God, Jesus Christ, whom we preached among you, Silva′nus and Timothy and I, was not Yes and No; but in Him it is always Yes. For all the promises of God find their Yes in him. That is why we utter the Amen through him, to the glory of God. But it is God who establishes us with you in Christ, and has commissioned us; he has put his seal upon us and given us his Spirit in our hearts as a guarantee.”  2 Corinthians 1:19-22  

WHAT A PROMISE!! are you kidding?!

“it is always Yes”

i love that. and not because it means every dream will come true. but it reminds me of the core and the heart of God. He wants to say yes to everything, He wants to give everything. He loves giving good things. it is such a reminder that He is a good Father and longs to give His kids good gifts. even when we ask for things that we shouldn’t have or are not His best for us, His answer is still yes. and i know that sounds wrong, and it isn’t even the way things play out, but hear me out for a second.

i love that this verse suggests that God hears and answers the request under the request. the need that is really hidden in the prayer we pray. so when i ask for a new dog, even though one doesn’t appear at my door by noon the next day, He says yes to my heart’s desire to not be alone. He says “Yes, I love you & I’m not going anywhere.”

which at first doesn’t seem so awesome. BUT IT IS. He is better than any puppy. and He has a plan and desire to show you how much He really does love you.

and if that wasn’t enough, He gives us His Spirit as a guarantee?! literally the best deal i’ve ever found.

i love this verse because it reminds me that He is so worthy of our trust. that i don’t have to live in survival mode hoping He comes through. i am not hoping and waiting in vain. or alone. I GET THE HOLY SPIRIT. but also, that His heart is good. and He gives good gifts. and He longs to say yes to everything we ask. the request under the request.

you can trust Him with the dreams of your heart.


i have written about this in pieces in other places, but i needed to put it in one place.

you always hear people talking about avoiding intimacy and the problems with intimacy. and i have heard it, alot. but i never thought that i dealt with any of that, because i wasn’t dating anyone or married. so that excludes me. LOL. that is actually the definition of an intimacy problem.

but as i have been spending this time preparing for what it would mean and be to be married, i came to the place where i realized that i was going to need to look at intimacy. and figure out how to relate that to God.

so as i looked at God, and intimacy, i could see a pretty clear connection between Jesus and intimacy. He became human. walked the earth. is in the Eucharist. wants to be my friend. got it. not great at it, but at least i can understand it. even though i was still keeping Him at arms distance.

the Holy Spirit, yeah i get that one. we spend most of our time together. i totally understand how He wants to be near and close.

the Father. nope. i never saw the Father wanting to be close. i always saw Him sitting back on His throne, overseeing it all. as if He gave Jesus and the Holy Spirit as a consolation for not wanting to be close with us Himself. (again i say LOL)

so in this last year, i have been spending time with the Father heart of God. and learning about His original design and desire to be close, to be intimate with us. which takes us back to the garden. the way He has always hoped and planned for us to live, with no space in between. looking back and meditating on the way His heart must have broke when He saw the choice they made. and how He instantly set in motion a plan to restore us.

it is all about intimacy!!!!!!

He sent Jesus to bring us home. not even to bring us to a new place, but to bring us home. the place we were always supposed to be. He couldn’t stay away from us. He did every single thing He could to stay as near to us as possible. as near as we would let Him.

in every season, in every trial, in every prayer, i am learning to look for His closeness. His presence. that He paid the highest price to give us. the intertwined, connected dependency He invites me into. where i can’t find where i end and where He begins.

it is crazy how there is so much resistance to intimacy. how scary it can feel. what if people see me. all of me. and that could change everything.

well let me tell you, it does change everything. and it is the best change ever. because news flash, He already did see everything. He has seen it all. and in our worst, most shameful, disgusting, darkest choices and moments, He said

I choose her

and He paid the ticket to have us. He put His money where His mouth was. and it is in those most hurtful places that He wants to move in closer, and heal the wounds.

intimacy with the Father, Son and Holy Spirit is literally life changing. there is nothing like it. and nothing can compare.


rest: okay, maybe i am closer to figuring it out

every time i think i have this rest thing figured out, i am quickly reminded, i have not.

last sunday i was at mass, and i was praying before, telling God that this was the week it was gonna happen. this was the week it would shift, something would break. this is the week i would get a job, i was going to to email everyone i could think of the next day. and you know it is always a good idea when you tell God the plan.

so shortly after that, the Gospel was as followed:

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”  Matthew 11:28-30

and He said,

“mmmm, nope. you aren’t released from this season yet. you need more rest”

upset, but feeling very covered, i went back to the drawing board. ready to embrace rest this week.

well bethel has been doing their worship school, and you can stream their worship set and keynotes in the morning. so monday i started watching….


i was so moved in worship, and was reminded of what it means to make that connection to the Father’s heart. and to praise in the waiting. and to trust Him and choose Him. and the delight He takes in the process. and i was worshiping, i was reminded of His heart for me. which is the place where we really find rest. it was so good, and so much more of what i needed. He is a good Father.

so after that, i watched some of the other past videos that were online, and several Steffany Gretzinger videos. and i was really encouraged by the stories she shared. first of all, she had a very similar season to what i am walking through right now. and that was encouraging. but she was talking about the process, and about the learning. and as i could hear someone else talk about it, i could see so much more clearly how that “down” season was a breeding ground for training and learning and growing and developing. how she would not be able to walk in the fullness of what she has now, without that season. and that was powerful. it helped alot of things click together for me.

this is the promise. this is the season. this is the unexpected. this is where i am supposed to be. this isn’t an in between. there are no in betweens for God, He is always working in everything. He isn’t linear, He hasn’t subscribed to the “american dream” and He isn’t measuring me up to it. He is thrilled with where we are. He died for us to be where we are. this is a season of rest, but more importantly, this is the season He called me into. and i will joyfully be here the whole time. He hasn’t placed more value on the next season. there are important lessons and precious encounters to be had right here, right now.

this seems obvious. but it really flipped me upside down. i am “waiting” for a job, sure. but i am not. i am actively involved in what God is doing in my life, today. this is growing the friendship and the history between us. and i am so thankful for it, because this is actually the answer to so many prayers. even though it doesn’t look like what i expected. it is everything i needed, and more.

scarcity. and endless shrimp.

as i have been learning SO much this summer, i have been finding alot of the lies i have believed for most of my life. one of the biggest ones is:

scarcity: deficient in quantity or number compared with the demand; not plentiful or abundant; intentionally absent; want of provisions for the support of life

woah. looking up that word is actually really powerful. not abundant, intentionally absent, lacking provisions for the support of life 

those are really the things i have believed and bought into for, well, all of my life.

and it is not something that is just in my head, society perpetuates and sensationalizes this idea of scarcity. listen to any commercial or ad and they will most likely at some point say “for a limited time only” or “while supplies last.” heck, even Red Lobster has a limit on the Summer of Endless Shrimp. and while we are constantly hearing messages that supplies will run out, we are at the same time numbed to it. we just accept it as a way of life. there won’t be enough. so you better get what you can, when you can, while you can. so you won’t be left out.  and yes, that is definitely true to a reasonable extent. Red Lobster does not have a limitless supply of shrimp. they will run out. but when they do, it. is. okay. but Red Lobster isn’t using Heaven’s economy.

those words not abundant, intentionally absent, lacking provisions for the support of life more accurately point to my beliefs about God. they really highlight the place in my heart that doesn’t believe He is good, or that He has enough for me. they outline my fears and what i have convinced myself must be true of who He is. that He is not abundant, He is intentionally absent and lacks the provision for the support of my life.

shooot dang. i am in trouble. not from Him. sure, His heart is breaking that i see Him that way, but He isn’t mad at me. instead, He is moved with compassion. so moved, that in His kindness, He will chase me down to convince me otherwise. and He has.

as i started to look at the blatant lies that my heart was believing about the Father:

that He wasn’t enough, that He would bless others, but not me, that He was withholding good things from me, that I had to work really hard and earn the blessings He could give, that i had used up all His favor on past asks & miracles,

i started to see how obviously false these things were. how clearly against the nature of God they were. how i had been bold face lied to, for years. i was reminded of the heart of the Father. a heart that would NEVER, in a million, trillion, billion, years set out any of those things for His daughter. never once would he send them an invitation to my party. and in that, i was reminded of John 10:10.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.”

which was actually, verbatim what i was experiencing. i was hearing lies that were stealing my hope, killing any joy, and destroying my trust.

and Jesus was so kind to remind me that He came & died on a cross so that i might have a full and abundant life. not a life full of settling for second best, and regrets and what ifs. a life of color, of endless shrimp and joy and promises fulfilled.

this is an idea, and a thought i have had before. and it was stored in my head. but this summer, Jesus has moved it to my heart. He pointed me back to the Father’s heart. the Heart that delights in His kids, and dreams of giving them bigger and better things. just because He can.

the garden

i am actually really surprised that i have not written about this yet. i guess i wanted to keep it a secret. stupid satan. he is always trying to trick us into isolating. anyway. the garden. oh the garden. lets start from the beginning..not that beginning…the beginning of my garden story.

in 2015, in the Catholic Charities food pantry, i was working to stock the pantry and i heard God say “i want you to start a recovery home for young girls” and i said okay!

and then i went to summer camp, and during the Gospel one day, we talked about Mary Magdalene, and how she thought resurrected Jesus was the gardener when she saw Him. and He said,

“I want you to call it The Garden”

and i knew exactly what He meant. so okay, i’ll call it the garden. so after that, i took an interest and liking to things having to do with gardens, because one day i would own one. but i never really told many people about it. i think i felt if i told people, they would steal my idea. classic satan tried to scare me out of talking about my dream by making me fear competition. so this was like my secret promise from the Lord.

and then at the beginning of the year, Kari Jobe released her new album and it was called The Garden. and she talked about the gardens that are talked about in the Bible. and it was a wonderful album. and i love Kari Jobe. and i felt this cool connection to her because we both had these projects about the garden. it also really prompted me to dig back into the scriptures about gardens in the Bible. and i started learning more about the intimacy of God. i was learning about the Father’s original desire for intimacy with us. the Father’s gentle and sweet heart. i was loving it!

so i shared the album with all my friends, and told everyone about it. and everyone loved it. and started talking about the garden. and the garden of eden. and all the sudden, i was not happy about it.

i felt jealous. and protective. and territorial. that was my garden! that was my special place. they needed to stay out of it. and even worse, what if they wanted to call their place the garden now that i had introduced them to this. and just like that, fear, competition, jealousy, pride and inadequacy invaded my garden. i was not happy about it at all. i was standing next to Jesus in my garden, but thinking He was just the gardener. and then He spoke up.

and He reminded me that just because other people liked the garden didn’t take away from my garden with Him. it also didn’t make it any less powerful. and if anything, this was what was so exciting about the garden to me, inviting other people into it. and i did that. that was the whole point!

inviting people into the Father’s original design for intimacy and communion and great love. but what i had originally intended for other people, He used to heal my heart. He met me in the garden, and stayed with me as i figured it all out. His garden is such a place of security, a place were striving is not allowed. a place were mercy flows and streams of living water run throughout. it was always His plan to have us in the Garden.