i’m back

hi, have you missed me?

its been almost a year, which feels crazy and also untrue. i really thought i had been on here since last summer. but maybe not. anyway. i’m here now. actually i am in florida. for the 4th time in as many months. crazy. i am here to visit my best friend and recover, reset, recreate, revision, rewrite, redream, all the re-s. this last year and half of my job has been wild. the last fall felt way better and way smoother and really felt like i had so much of a better grip on everything.

but here we are. in the spring, and there is truly nothing like the spring. to say that it is wild would be an understatement. its non stop. so, i booked a flight to florida to spend time with my best friend and re-evaluate. and what. a. week.

there have been so many things i have wanted to do this year and so many projects i wanted to get going (for years) but i say i never have time for them. which is partially true, but thats because i don’t manage it. so this week has given me space to think about and pray about alot of different things. mostly personal, which has been so desperately much needed. but now, at the end of the week, i am starting to look at the professional aspects of what i need to do.

one of those things i really want to pour into is the creation of the garden. i need to be more intentional about setting aside time to write and create content for that.

but personally, there is such a need for setting a schedule in place. the more i realize how many goals and dreams i have, the more i realize i am not using my time effectively AT ALL! i used to really stick to a schedule, and i lived and died by it. but then, as i learned my life did not have to be perfect, and i didn’t have to live by a schedule, i stopped using one. well, that lead to this crazy manic state i am in now. where i do so much and so little at the same time and am pretty consumed with anxiety all the time in between.

enter in: the schedule.

so i am going to try to go back to scheduling way better. and getting more done within said schedule. because what do we know, within boundaries, there is FREEDOM. so i need that freedom. and its going to be different to learn how to balance these boundaries and ministry, because that is a whole ‘nother thing. but in my schedule, i want to be blogging more and writing more on here and getting back into a rhythm of doing creative things. so hopefully, it wont be long before you hear from me again.

this summer.

**originally posted july 24, 2017**

this summer has looked different than i planned. i would have never thought that it would have played out this way. that i would still be unemployed at the end of july. but even though this has been some of the hardest few months, they have been more rich and filled than anything i could have imagined. here are some of the lessons i have learned:

  1. the power of praising while we wait
  2. there is no “in between” with God
  3. authority comes from intimacy
  4. intimacy grows in the wilderness
  5. everything He does is for our freedom
  6. no matter where you are, you’re getting something done
  7. there is no higher calling than the one God invited you into
  8. saying yes in the secret place builds friendship with Jesus
  9. scarcity is a lie
  10. He hasn’t forgotten the dreams in our hearts
  11. Eternity measures success in relationships
  12. He is better than we think He is
  13. you can get your hopes up
  14. He knows exactly where we are
  15. stewarding what’s in our hearts & on our lives is a great act of obedience that bears lasting fruit
  16. celebrating with others brings freedom
  17. we can trust Him with our hearts
  18. if He said it, He’ll do it
  19. He is spinning over me in delight
  20. good is the enemy of greatness
  21. He turns our disappointments into a dance floor
  22. we work & live from delight, not for it
  23. ministry is out of an overflow of relationship
  24. if the enemy can’t keep your heart from burning for ministry, he’ll use your ministry to burn you out
  25. the only time you’ll find God in a box is when He wants to be where we are
  26. bravery is walking straight into fear & pulling on confidence that doesn’t exist in our human mind
  27. it’s not about being right, it’s about being close
  28. rest improves the quality of everything you do
  29. He gives what we need
  30. scarcity is a lie
  31. His love is not based on performance
  32. identity is not in what you produce

part eight: preparing

this summer i really struggled with the desire to be married. although i know i don’t want to be married right this moment, by heart is longing to be in relationship with someone and love them completely. this summer, a dear friend spoke a truth that has continued to echo in my life. as i was sharing this tough season of waiting, she responded:

“i think you are moving from a season of waiting, to a season of preparation”

#truth. and all of heaven said AAMMEENN. but really. it was almost like from that moment, God said game on. let’s prepare. and that is what i have been doing. and this is a very interesting concept. preparing. i am not making a vision board, or a secret Pinterest wedding board, or a venue binder. i am preparing my hear for the sacrament of marriage. i am preparing my heart to be a wife. it might not be as fun as it sounds.

this season of preparation is painful. it is stretching. the Father is teaching me about love, service, dying to self, faithfulness and above all, Himself. He is pointing out areas of debris that need to be cleaned up before anyone else moves in. He is watering the desire to be married, and is reassuring me that He is working. He keeps showing me snippets of goodness and how much He knows my heart and knows what I need/want. even more than I know.

i am learning how to love God fully. without fear. without reservation. without hesitation. i am learning how to stand up for what i believe in & pursue health. i am learning how to be a wife from the Author of marriage.

sometimes i catch myself thinking “well, i won’t feel this way when i am married” or “one day i’ll get to be happy, when i am married.” FLAG ON THE PLAY. the Father has been pointing out how much of an idol i make marriage. how much i look to that for fulfillment-AND I AM NOT EVEN MARRIED. oops. i think of marriage as the destination. not a gift.

i had this realization the other day. if the goal of marriage is to bring God glory, lead my spouse to holiness and love as Christ loves the church, well then I am in luck. because none of those things have to wait ’til marriage. i can bring God glory, lead others to holiness and love as Christ loves the church single, dating, engaged, married, widowed or other. my vocation does not have to wait for “the day” it becomes active. it is already active and i get to live it today.

this season is not easy. it is definitely a time of calling out. ouch. but His promises are worth it. He is teaching me how to be more like Him. what more could i ask for.

the Father

so if you ask me who i am the closest to in the trinity, the answer is the Holy Spirit. actually, other people can answer that question for me. and of course i love Jesus. so much. i think of Him as being so romantic and loving and healing and sweet and comforting. and then there is God, the Father. and He is great. i have never doubted Him. i always knew He loved me, but He seemed more distant. more involved in the day to day running the world, answering prayers part of being God than my day to day intimacy.

oh intimacy. what a scary word. in-to-me-see. fun play on words, right? but so scary. for me at least. what does it even mean to be fully seen and fully known? and how scary is it to think that someone would see all of me and still want to be around me?

answer: terrifying.

i think of Jesus as being more intimate. and maybe i am more comfortable with that. the Eucharist is a pretty easy explanation of intimacy-something i can see, touch and consume. Jesus was also human, so i can relate to Him on that level, too. the Holy Spirit isn’t so much of a stretch with intimacy, because i think of Him as a spirit-no end and no beginning, fluid. plus, He is with me ALL the time and we are constantly talking, so I think of Him as being pretty close. but then there is God, again. and intimacy with Him seems far off, scary and maybe even dangerous. like if God really saw me and knew me, maybe He wouldn’t let me have Jesus & the Holy Spirit anymore. maybe He would pull the troops. plus, does God even want to know me? He seems pretty busy creating life & curing diseases.

& ya know, i don’t think God loved that i thought like that. the past few weeks, He has been pretty clear in getting my attention and turning the spotlight back on Him. it’s been funny, I feel like Jesus has been bowing out a lot, like “this one is between you guys” i have been learning so much about the Father.

  • that being one of them, that He is a FATHER. and He loves His children and wants to know them.
  • His heart is to provide for them and give them good things.
  • His nature is compassion & kindness.
  • He is so selfless, He lets me be friends with the other Godheads more when I need it.
  • It was always His plan to save us & bring us back to Him through Jesus.
  • When Jesus was on Earth, He only did what He saw the Father doing.
  • The Father is so tender & gentle.
  • He wants a personal relationship as much as Jesus & the Holy Spirit do!
  • His love is SO deep for us.
  • He treasures us.
  • He holds back nothing that will heal us, not even His own Son.
  • He is jealous for us.
  • He is active in our lives and desires an active relationship with us.
  • He is not something to be shelved until we get in deep trouble and need to call in the “big guns,” He desires to be just as involved in the little things from day to day.
  • He never tires of hearing our praise.
  • He never tires of forgiving us.
  • He never tires of hearing our stories.
  • He is chopping at the bit to heal us.
  • He cries with us.
  • He laughs with us (and i’m convinced sometimes at us).
  • He is good.
  • He is warm.
  • He is so detailed orientated.
  • He hangs on our every word.
  • He delights in the process.
  • He delights in us.

I am still learning about Him. He is constantly revealing more to me & it is so freakin’ fun! I am so thankful for the Father’s heart.

Father, thank you for your relentless pursuit of your beloved. thank you for revealing your heart to me, Father. as i learn more about you & your heart, teach me how to be like you. i desire to know you more. 


here i am

here we go. here I am. trying this again.

My last attempts at blogs have not been so successful. Either because of my lack of dedication, or technical problems. So I am trying again. The last blog I had going was great! But there were some issues with the “gateway,” so it was no longer reliable. But because I loved it so much, I saved the posts. I plan on posting them here and there on this site. I still love them. Anyway. I’m here. And I’m working on it. I hope to explain the title of this blog as time goes on (aka, probably the next post). Here’s to the third time! Let’s hope this one is the charm!