as i have grown in my faith, it almost feels like its harder to believe and trust. let me explain. i think about when i moved to Waco and got to work at Grace House. that was a miracle. there was actually no way for that to happen, but i believed i heard God, and i just camped out on His word.
but this year, when i heard the Word of the Lord, i doubted. i believed He could do it, kinda. i let fear take up residency in my heart instead of faith. and i am really curious about that. because didn’t i see him work an actual miracle in that realm of my life? why was it so hard for me to trust that He could do it again. i mean, sure, i acted, and believed He could. but my heart was truly plauged by worry and anxiety that i would be left on my own.
and the more i think about it, the more i think it is about filters.
we pick up these filters along the way that color the way we see the world around us. moving into grad school, i had very few filters, i had watched God move me from glory to glory in a very clear and world-standards-approved way. meaning, what i was doing, was applauded in the eyes of the world. so it was easy to believe that God would take care of me and do great things thru and for me.
but then came 2017. when i felt like God dropped me off, and walked away. i felt alone, forgotten, punished, ignored, straight up left behind. i felt betrayed. i felt like He sent me to this place to die alone. this chapter was NOT the dream, this was not what i wanted to be doing, why would He do this to me? did He actually hate me?
this season of deep disappointment grabbed a hold of me and an installed a semi-permanent lens. making everything around me colored by disappointment and pain and distrust. and that is so hard to overcome. that is only a lens the Love of the Father can uninstall. i let it be installed in the first place because it made sense to me, it felt comfortable in a weird way, almost gave me a sense of control. instead of leaning into the Father, and letting Him narrate that chapter, i ran away, hide, and started using my new lens to define everything around me.
that was the filter on my lens when i felt the Lord leading me out. still so consumed with the fear and pain of disappointment. and it has taken a few years to work on this lens. i am still uninstalling it. but it is why i can see that this most recent season of transition and waiting has been as painful and anxiety ridden as it has been. because that filter was still clouding my view. even today, in prayer, i was asking the Lord about it. about how there is still hurt there, i trusted Him to provide and deliver in a big way, and it wasn’t any of those things. and He corrected me:
” you can’t hold me responsible for the world’s standards. my version of success is very different from theirs”
and it was crystal clear. i had been using the world’s filters to determine my hopes and dreams. i had been using the world’s standards to tell me what i should be doing next. so when i yielded to where the Lord was leading, of course i was disappointed. the Lord’s ways are higher. but not approved by the culture. i had been seeing my next chapter thru a filter.
but the relief that came from that revelation, i can trust God. He didn’t trick me. He led me. He was faithful at every turn. and I was confused. my filters and lens were out of wack. and ya know what wacky filters leads to? wacky self-esteem, self-worth and identity.
when i define myself by the world’s lens, when i look at myself thru their filter, i will always be disappointment. i wasn’t made for that lens.
i was made thru the Gaze of Love. a perfect view. the ideal vantage point. so that’s the lens i have to use, that is the filter i have to see my life thru. and the funny thing, that filter, is not much of a filter. it does not distort the truth, it doesn’t blur out the imperfections, it sees everything, and it isn’t scared away. everything in us screams not to trust that lens, it can’t be real.
but that is the good news of the Gospel, it is real! it can be trusted. when we give our lives and hearts and eyes to Jesus, we get to see in a different way.
during this latest transition, there were many moments where i couldn’t see anything on the horizon, and it felt scary and even hopeless, but the prayer i kept uttering was simple “Jesus, be my eyes. You can see more and further than me. So please, be my eyes.”
and i am so grateful He was. i couldn’t see the good things He was doing, and i still will probably not know half of them on this side of heaven. but He was doing them, and i am so grateful.
i know i will pick up more filters and new lens will try to attach to my vision along the way, but the beauty of life with Jesus, the more you see the clarity He offers, the easier it is to spot the cloudy ones.