this could also be called more than i can ask or imagine part two.
last week, in a matter of days, the Lord led me into a new job. a new job that i am so excited to be a part of. and to be very honest, it is more than i could have asked of imagined.
but before the job came, the thing i was petitioning Heaven for, a deeper peace came. the Lord walked me into a place of deep trust, deeper surrender, and the deepest rest.. a place of knowing that there was actually absolutely nothing i could do to make this happen on my own. a place were i trusted His heart for me. that He was good and He could handle this. a place where i understood that He was my provider, not a paycheck. there was a moment of deep hurt and distrust that i snapped at the Lord and said “well if you won’t give me a husband, you can at least give me a job” (to take care of myself) and He said
“He won’t provide for you either”
dang. true, but hard to hear. in this time, the Lord has been uprooting some deeply held beliefs and lies i’ve come to call friends. and even in that, He is doing more than i knew to ask for. i was content to just blow past these hurts, forget about them, honestly, just pretend like they didn’t even happen. but that’s not who He is. i didn’t know how to ask for healing, but He brought it anyway.
during this process, i knew i could trust Him. but there was still a part of my heart that was holding onto the hurt of “the last time”. a piece that was holding out trust. but i just got tired of waiting. i got tired of holding out. and i had to let it go and rest. it was too much to hold onto. and as soon as i did that, truly, the job came.
but here is the real victory of this season, the job is beautiful and i am truly so grateful. but it did not change my heart. it did not change my peace. it did not change my security. because i have FINALLY come to a place where i can let that rest in Jesus Christ, the Son of the Living God. that does not mean i will never struggle with that concept again, layers-remember. but in this season, i can rest. and here is the other thing, i am hearing from God is such a clearer way. it is kind wild. He sounds crisper, more clear than before. and there is new deposit of trust, a new brick in the house we are building together. it is really wild.
i have heard people say when they go thru hard things they know God better, and i have never liked that. because, c’mon God. couldn’t you accomplish that without the trial? and yes, He could. but we wouldn’t receive it. there is this clarity that comes with coming to the end of ourselves. coming to a place where there is literally no way we can take care of ourselves or figure it out. when it becomes crystal clear that the God of the universe is taking gentle care of us. that makes space in us for more trust. and i am convinced we couldn’t get there without it. because we would never take our eyes of ourselves and our own ability. when we feel stripped of all that we can manage, and God still walks into our situation and orchestrates more than we can fathom, a deeper trust is deposited.
and i have to say, from this side of the red sea, it was worth it.
make me your groom 