the sun after the rain

the rainy season was hard. soggy. disappointing. plan crushing. hard.

but it doesn’t last forever. when you’re in it, it feels like the actual longest thing there ever was. but eventually, the rain stops and the sun pokes out.

and wow, that sun is so warm. and to be honest, the sun can hurt your eyes at first. it is an adjustment after being under the clouds for so long.

but today, today i am soaking up the sun after a long rainy season. the rain prepared my heart, watered my seeds and now, it is harvest time.

i am HARVESTING. there is SO MUCH fruit all around me. i cannot believe there is this much fruit. this is the definition of abundance.

but to receive the fullness of the sun, you have to open the windows. that can be harder than it sounds. when you have been so used to having them closed, even boarded up for protection, to open them, that is scary.

so you start by cracking them just a little, letting the wind blow thru the tiniest bit. and soon, you can open it a little more and let the sun really come in. the sun changes everything. the Son changes everything. there is more dimension, more hope, more joy, it is truly, so beautiful. and such a celebration.

Jesus, i am so thankful for the sun. i am so thankful that You are the Son. thank you for illuminating our lives. thank you for bringing color and hope. thank you for loving us in this way.

and that is the beauty of seasons. they aren’t all going to be sunny. and that is okay. the challenge is leaning into the season you’re in. because even if they aren’t full of sunshine, the Son can still shine in your darkness. the Gardener is always on the job, He never takes a day off. but each step in the process, each part of the season, is vital for the next piece to flourish. without one, it would be incomplete.

i am so grateful to be soaking up the sun in this season, but i know another rainy season will come. it is necessary to grow real fruit, lasting fruit. but it is not something to be scared of. because even the dark, cloudy, storm, the Son is still there.

the rain

the last few years have been really hard. so stretching and so challenging. i think it is very fair to say that is was some of the darkest days. really felt so hopeless in so many moments. it felt like there was always a storm brewing. i felt so helpless and like i couldn’t do anything about my situation to make a difference.

one of the projects i tried to take on was gardening-did not go well for me. but there was a day when i knew i had to go out and water the plants and i was not looking forward to it. but then, later in the day, it started to rain. and i remember thinking, “oh good, i don’t have to go out and water them” and this thought dawned on me:

gardeners aren’t afraid of the rain, they welcome it.

it means more is getting done during that time than they could do on their own.

and the gardener can rest during that time because the rain is doing the work.

and man, that was such an eye opening moment. the pain and storms of that season were doing something good. even though it was really hard. the rain was doing more than i could do on my own. it was reaching a deeper part of me that needed something, it was watering parts of my droughted heart. even though it did not feel good. it was preparing me for a harvest.

but it did not feel good. dang, i was so wounded it was so hard for me to see the joy and the goodness that was happening all around me. there is definitely a part of me that wished i had done a better job of taking it all in, but to be very honest, i felt so overwhelmed, it was hard to take in.

but without a doubt, there was so much happening in my heart during that time. and the best news about rain; it doesn’t last forever.

rebuilding

“Afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted,
    I will rebuild you with stones of turquoise,
    your foundations with lapis lazuli.” Isaiah 54:11

when i lived in waco, someone spoke this verse over me. and i latched on. it made so much sense for the season i was in, and what i felt like the Lord was doing, rebuilding.

and then i moved home, and this verse felt even more relevant. i completely felt the Lord rebuilding.

and then i moved to Nashville, and i have felt the Lord rebuilding here, too.

so there is a part of me that says “okay, Lord, why are we still rebuilding?”

and in this current season, it has really dawned on me that the Lord will always be rebuilding pieces and parts of my heart and my life. there is such a temptation to want to “arrive.” to be at a place where the rebuilding stops, where the project is over, we are done.

but do we really want that? because when we are done, that is when growth stops. that is when we become stagnant.

it can feel discouraging that there is always something to be rebuilt. always a work in progress, always under construction. but that is the Christian life. a life yielded to the ongoing work the Lord is doing in our hearts and lives.

in every season, the Lord is inviting us to let Him rebuild a piece. some more than others, but what a sweet and gentle promise that not only will He rebuild, He will rebuild with the finest jewels, things better and more beautiful than we thought we could ever have.

filters

as i have grown in my faith, it almost feels like its harder to believe and trust. let me explain. i think about when i moved to Waco and got to work at Grace House. that was a miracle. there was actually no way for that to happen, but i believed i heard God, and i just camped out on His word.

but this year, when i heard the Word of the Lord, i doubted. i believed He could do it, kinda. i let fear take up residency in my heart instead of faith. and i am really curious about that. because didn’t i see him work an actual miracle in that realm of my life? why was it so hard for me to trust that He could do it again. i mean, sure, i acted, and believed He could. but my heart was truly plauged by worry and anxiety that i would be left on my own.

and the more i think about it, the more i think it is about filters.

we pick up these filters along the way that color the way we see the world around us. moving into grad school, i had very few filters, i had watched God move me from glory to glory in a very clear and world-standards-approved way. meaning, what i was doing, was applauded in the eyes of the world. so it was easy to believe that God would take care of me and do great things thru and for me.

but then came 2017. when i felt like God dropped me off, and walked away. i felt alone, forgotten, punished, ignored, straight up left behind. i felt betrayed. i felt like He sent me to this place to die alone. this chapter was NOT the dream, this was not what i wanted to be doing, why would He do this to me? did He actually hate me?

this season of deep disappointment grabbed a hold of me and an installed a semi-permanent lens. making everything around me colored by disappointment and pain and distrust. and that is so hard to overcome. that is only a lens the Love of the Father can uninstall. i let it be installed in the first place because it made sense to me, it felt comfortable in a weird way, almost gave me a sense of control. instead of leaning into the Father, and letting Him narrate that chapter, i ran away, hide, and started using my new lens to define everything around me.

that was the filter on my lens when i felt the Lord leading me out. still so consumed with the fear and pain of disappointment. and it has taken a few years to work on this lens. i am still uninstalling it. but it is why i can see that this most recent season of transition and waiting has been as painful and anxiety ridden as it has been. because that filter was still clouding my view. even today, in prayer, i was asking the Lord about it. about how there is still hurt there, i trusted Him to provide and deliver in a big way, and it wasn’t any of those things. and He corrected me:

” you can’t hold me responsible for the world’s standards. my version of success is very different from theirs”

and it was crystal clear. i had been using the world’s filters to determine my hopes and dreams. i had been using the world’s standards to tell me what i should be doing next. so when i yielded to where the Lord was leading, of course i was disappointed. the Lord’s ways are higher. but not approved by the culture. i had been seeing my next chapter thru a filter.

but the relief that came from that revelation, i can trust God. He didn’t trick me. He led me. He was faithful at every turn. and I was confused. my filters and lens were out of wack. and ya know what wacky filters leads to? wacky self-esteem, self-worth and identity.

when i define myself by the world’s lens, when i look at myself thru their filter, i will always be disappointment. i wasn’t made for that lens.

i was made thru the Gaze of Love. a perfect view. the ideal vantage point. so that’s the lens i have to use, that is the filter i have to see my life thru. and the funny thing, that filter, is not much of a filter. it does not distort the truth, it doesn’t blur out the imperfections, it sees everything, and it isn’t scared away. everything in us screams not to trust that lens, it can’t be real.

but that is the good news of the Gospel, it is real! it can be trusted. when we give our lives and hearts and eyes to Jesus, we get to see in a different way.

during this latest transition, there were many moments where i couldn’t see anything on the horizon, and it felt scary and even hopeless, but the prayer i kept uttering was simple “Jesus, be my eyes. You can see more and further than me. So please, be my eyes.”

and i am so grateful He was. i couldn’t see the good things He was doing, and i still will probably not know half of them on this side of heaven. but He was doing them, and i am so grateful.

i know i will pick up more filters and new lens will try to attach to my vision along the way, but the beauty of life with Jesus, the more you see the clarity He offers, the easier it is to spot the cloudy ones.

won’t He do it

this could also be called more than i can ask or imagine part two.

last week, in a matter of days, the Lord led me into a new job. a new job that i am so excited to be a part of. and to be very honest, it is more than i could have asked of imagined.

but before the job came, the thing i was petitioning Heaven for, a deeper peace came. the Lord walked me into a place of deep trust, deeper surrender, and the deepest rest.. a place of knowing that there was actually absolutely nothing i could do to make this happen on my own. a place were i trusted His heart for me. that He was good and He could handle this. a place where i understood that He was my provider, not a paycheck. there was a moment of deep hurt and distrust that i snapped at the Lord and said “well if you won’t give me a husband, you can at least give me a job” (to take care of myself) and He said

“He won’t provide for you either”

dang. true, but hard to hear. in this time, the Lord has been uprooting some deeply held beliefs and lies i’ve come to call friends. and even in that, He is doing more than i knew to ask for. i was content to just blow past these hurts, forget about them, honestly, just pretend like they didn’t even happen. but that’s not who He is. i didn’t know how to ask for healing, but He brought it anyway.

during this process, i knew i could trust Him. but there was still a part of my heart that was holding onto the hurt of “the last time”. a piece that was holding out trust. but i just got tired of waiting. i got tired of holding out. and i had to let it go and rest. it was too much to hold onto. and as soon as i did that, truly, the job came.

but here is the real victory of this season, the job is beautiful and i am truly so grateful. but it did not change my heart. it did not change my peace. it did not change my security. because i have FINALLY come to a place where i can let that rest in Jesus Christ, the Son of the Living God. that does not mean i will never struggle with that concept again, layers-remember. but in this season, i can rest. and here is the other thing, i am hearing from God is such a clearer way. it is kind wild. He sounds crisper, more clear than before. and there is new deposit of trust, a new brick in the house we are building together. it is really wild.

i have heard people say when they go thru hard things they know God better, and i have never liked that. because, c’mon God. couldn’t you accomplish that without the trial? and yes, He could. but we wouldn’t receive it. there is this clarity that comes with coming to the end of ourselves. coming to a place where there is literally no way we can take care of ourselves or figure it out. when it becomes crystal clear that the God of the universe is taking gentle care of us. that makes space in us for more trust. and i am convinced we couldn’t get there without it. because we would never take our eyes of ourselves and our own ability. when we feel stripped of all that we can manage, and God still walks into our situation and orchestrates more than we can fathom, a deeper trust is deposited.

and i have to say, from this side of the red sea, it was worth it.

more than i know how to ask for

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us” Eph. 3:20

i had this thought the other day, the Israelites did not know to ask for God to split the Red Sea. they came to the end of the road, the Egyptians on their tail, and death closer than ever. the idea that the SEA could split and they would be able to walk thru on dry land, not even a thought that crossed their mind. so if that is the set up for one of the most famous miracles in the bible, maybe it is a set up that is still happening today.

another thought i had, Mary and Martha didn’t think to ask Jesus to raise their brother from the dead. they would have settled for Him to just “arrive on time” and avoid the need for a miracle all together.

there is tension here. yes, it is beautiful and glorious that the Lord would step in and do these miraculous things on behalf of His Beloved, but also, why does it have to be like that? couldn’t You just show off by not letting us get into these situations in the first place? i feel like we could still see Your power and glory there, too.

but that’s not the way He plays the game. in His kindness, He gave us free will, all of us free will. and things get sticky. situations are hard. death leaves a mark. so it brings me to my next thought. when we get to those places, those situations, what do we do?

prayer is good, but where do we point our prayers to? what do we ask for? how do we move forward?

in this season, i have found myself unsure of what to even ask for. becoming keenly aware, that i don’t even know how to ask for what i need. because, to be honest, i really don’t even know what i need. i think i know what i need. but is that really it?

i have been really struck by this idea of God being able to do more than i can ask or imagine. He is doing things i literally do not know to ask for. if He answered the prayers i have been praying in the way i wanted, it would be way less than what He actually wants to give me.

sure, that sounds amazing. and fluffy. and happy. but where my heart is today, that sounds scary. because i don’t know if i can trust Him. what if His definition of good is not mine. what if His hurts more than what i was planning for or expecting. i think of Mary and Martha. sure, it is awesome that their brother was raised from the dead, but did it have to go that far, Lord? couldn’t you have done something before that?

but in that miracle. while it seemed way late, Mary, Martha, Lazarus and everyone around knew and experienced the supernatural love of Jesus in a way that was unavailable had things gone according to “plan.”

yes, God can do abundantly more than we can ask or imagine. He is so much more creative than we are. but that doesn’t mean it will feel good or be easy. the beautiful part, is we are invited into the story. that thru our lives, we can highlight the glory of God. one thing the Lord told me at the beginning of this new adventure was

“stories of certainty don’t bring me much glory”

and isn’t that really what we are after? bringing Him glory? magnifying His name? making Him known and loved among people?

sure, it is exciting that God wants to do more than we can imagine or even ask for. sure, there is tension and pain in the build up. but man, isn’t His glory worth it?

He is re-writing maps. Making paths in the desert. Connecting stories and dots. Moving things around. Arranging pieces and parts. He doesn’t miss a thing. And His heart is for you.

layers

these last few weeks have reminded me of a previous season in my life. a season of intentional rest. the summer of 2017. still one of the hardest seasons of my life, but without a doubt one of the most beautiful. and while it was happening, i knew i would look back on it with fondness, and I do. and the same is true of this season. it is stretching, but i know how much it means and i know that i will look back with such love on this time with the Lord.

this season of rest looks different than the previous one. this season of rest has more to do with actively healing. the last one was about healing, too. but in a different way. this season, looks like actively, yet in stillness, processing and healing some of the damage done over the past few years.

and even though there is a difference, i am still struck by a sneaking feeling i have come to know too well: shame.

this feeling of shame and frustration has been crawling up my back to remind me that i have already done this before. i have been thru a season of rest, and i have learned these lessons. how horrible am i that i am having to do it again? did i just not really learn the lesson last time? why can’t i pull on what i learned that summer and get over this season quicker?

layers.

there are layers of healing. the work that was done that summer is important and beautiful, but it was just a layer. it wasn’t an end-all-be-all. it was just part of the story. there is more to heal. a new and deeper layer. also, more has been experienced from 2017. so you’re gonna need fresh healing for that.

i am brought back to this verse:

He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. Deut. 8:3

manna was needed every day. yesterday’s manna could not feed them today. and the same is true with our healing. yesterday’s touch, won’t sustain you for today. you need a fresh one, a new encounter with God. that is not to say that lessons, encounters, and words can’t encourage or heal us for more than one day. but it is to say that each new need, each new layer, needs fresh healing from the Lord.

also, side note, He caused the need, but provided the solution.

it can feel really discouraging that this struggle/need for rest has resurfaced. it can feel defeating and annoying. didn’t i already learn this?!

and in that, I hear the Lord say “it’s just another layer”

layers are important. and we need to tend to them. but the truth is, i wouldn’t be able to access this layer without having done the work from the previous layer. the healing of that layer gave me access to this layer. there is no shame in that. it is all part of the process. He is a kind and gentle God and doesn’t rush us into more than He knows is appropriate for the time.

i do get frustrated and catch myself thinking “did i not even learn anything from this last time? why am I here again? what is happening? what were the keys to this last time so I can get out of this faster this time?” all of these are very valid questions. and it can feel like maybe if i could remember those lessons, or figure out the formula, i could get out of this uncomfortable and stretching season faster. maybe if i had really learned the lesson, I wouldn’t have to do this again.

but that’s not true. this is a new season, a new layer, and it needs new healing.

i also remember last time I was in a similar season, all I wanted was a job. I got a job. and all i wanted was a different job. aka, the job did not solve the problem.

and the job will not solve the problem this time either.

the Lord keeps reminding me that He does not need me to have a job. that is not part of the requirements to live a holy life. that is a temporal need. He is also constantly reminding me that my security and certainty and stability does not come from a job. that only comes from Him. a job is not going to change my anxiety. a job is not going to fix my problems. a job is a beautiful way to co-work with the Lord, but it is not a saviour.

this season is a new layer of an old problem. but i am seeing new dimensions of it this time. the focus is different. the lessons are new. and none of it disqualifies or diminishes the power and importance of the previous layer. this is life with the Lord. a constant undoning. a forever unwinding. always finding new layers, and always receiving new healing.

what was broken and severed

writing is such a gift. there are so many stories and things left untold written inside of me and it is my job to be diligent to write. to let these things find their way out into the world. there is more room on the outside than on the inside.

the last three years have silenced me. overwhelmed by the weight of what was, i stopped writing. The only writing that poured out of me was a chaotic, desperate prayer. it was precious and important, and maybe it was the story that needed to be written. But it felt stifled. it wasn’t the full story. it was the broken story. the wounded story.

the wounded story is important. it has immense value. it is not a waste. it has a place. it has to be written and told so that life can continue to grow past the fragmented part. and really, how much of our story is the wounded part until the Saviour comes in and kisses it?

the last three years have been alot.

i have felt like i was drowning while wide awake. suffering and suffocating under the pressure and intensity of what it means to love messy people. isn’t it so funny that when we think of the command to love our neighbor it brings up a fluffy, cozy feeling? but then to actually get out and do the hard work of loving our neighbor, well that will cost you everything.

costly. that is how i would describe the last three years. the last three years cost me more than i ever imagined. more than i knew i could afford. i started to dismantle myself and auction off pieces to the highest bidder. in the last three years, i felt the cloud of depression in a new way. i remember waking up in the middle of the night crying from the pain of gritting my teeth. i remember not being able to sleep the night before my 24th birthday because of a panic attack about the attendance for the next day’s event. i remember the worn out body collapsing on the bed after another 12 hour day. i remember eating alone in the dark. i remember the darkness and ugliness of isolation. i remember hiding in my office. i remember the anxiety of pulling into the parking lot. i remember the jolt of fear that would rush my heart when my phone would light up with a notification. i remember the dread of checking my email. i remember the paranoia of double, triple checking my post on social media to make sure i didn’t make a mistake. i remember the ache in my chest and shoulders after a week of conferences from holding anxiety like it was my most prized possession.

and in all these memories, in all these moments, i can now remember that the Shepard was sustaining me. it did not feel true in the moment. and to be honest, sometimes i still wonder if He was really there. because it felt so very lonely. i remember crying out to Him, begging Him, to not make me do this alone.

and He would always remind me i actually wasn’t doing it alone.

but it didn’t always make a difference, if i am being honest. it didn’t change my attitude. it didn’t suddenly dry the tears. it didn’t change the outcome or the situation. to be even more honest, sometimes it made it worse. it made the doubt, anger and fear louder. how could these things be happening if You’re here? how could you authorize this? do You actually hate me? why would you lead me here if you knew it would destroy me?

and even now, i hear Him say, “because I wanted to build you back up”

ya know, that is not as comforting as maybe He intended it to be. it often feels harsh and maybe even cold.

but that’s at a first pass. because the truth is, if you know Him, if you know His voice, if you know His tone, everything changes.

when you know His heart, you know His motives. and you know that nothing He is ever leading you to is for your actual destruction. sure, it will definitely lead to a break down, a demo, an overhaul. but you’re still standing at the end. maybe not standing very tall, or for very long, but you’re standing.

and that’s when He begins to gather. He gathers all the pieces. pieces you didn’t even know were missing or broken. but He knows. and He knows exactly where they are because He doesn’t miss a thing. He keeps track of every detail, even when we swore He was looking away. He gathers what was broken and severed. and He starts to sort, and help to rebuild.

there is so much of me that is broken and severed. not just from the last three years, from the last twenty six years. and He has kept track of all of it. even the pieces i don’t want to talk about. He hasn’t lost track of those pieces either.

if we allow Him, if we invite Him, He will put the pieces back together. slowly, diligently, the Master craftsman that He is. the hard part of that, is the waiting. just as any skilled piece of work would take time, attention to detail, patience and an eye for beauty, the Lord wants to use the same elements to rebuild our hearts and worlds. He will literally re-member us. He will put us back together. He will reorient our hearts to the original blueprint, the divine design that was dreamed up before the sun first scattered thru the darkness of the sky.

i’m back

hi, have you missed me?

its been almost a year, which feels crazy and also untrue. i really thought i had been on here since last summer. but maybe not. anyway. i’m here now. actually i am in florida. for the 4th time in as many months. crazy. i am here to visit my best friend and recover, reset, recreate, revision, rewrite, redream, all the re-s. this last year and half of my job has been wild. the last fall felt way better and way smoother and really felt like i had so much of a better grip on everything.

but here we are. in the spring, and there is truly nothing like the spring. to say that it is wild would be an understatement. its non stop. so, i booked a flight to florida to spend time with my best friend and re-evaluate. and what. a. week.

there have been so many things i have wanted to do this year and so many projects i wanted to get going (for years) but i say i never have time for them. which is partially true, but thats because i don’t manage it. so this week has given me space to think about and pray about alot of different things. mostly personal, which has been so desperately much needed. but now, at the end of the week, i am starting to look at the professional aspects of what i need to do.

one of those things i really want to pour into is the creation of the garden. i need to be more intentional about setting aside time to write and create content for that.

but personally, there is such a need for setting a schedule in place. the more i realize how many goals and dreams i have, the more i realize i am not using my time effectively AT ALL! i used to really stick to a schedule, and i lived and died by it. but then, as i learned my life did not have to be perfect, and i didn’t have to live by a schedule, i stopped using one. well, that lead to this crazy manic state i am in now. where i do so much and so little at the same time and am pretty consumed with anxiety all the time in between.

enter in: the schedule.

so i am going to try to go back to scheduling way better. and getting more done within said schedule. because what do we know, within boundaries, there is FREEDOM. so i need that freedom. and its going to be different to learn how to balance these boundaries and ministry, because that is a whole ‘nother thing. but in my schedule, i want to be blogging more and writing more on here and getting back into a rhythm of doing creative things. so hopefully, it wont be long before you hear from me again.

the cost.

i am back in Waco. in one of my favorite places to reflect and spend time, collins street bakery. I’ve been here less than 24 hours, but it has been one of the most healing and refreshing times. there is a certain clarity that is here and i don’t know if its just the culture or the way the people here have contended for Heaven and have cultivate that past just the sanctuary or maybe it is my own personal history here of meeting with God and easily finding Him here (what a run on sentence that was). But whatever it is here, its real and its palpable and tangible and i feel a HUGE weight lifted and a deep relief. i feel really known here. and its funny because i really don’t know that many people here. but i invested in this place and allowed it to invest in me. when i’m here, i feel like i’m able to come back into alignment with who i really am, my most authentic self. it feels safe and familiar.

funny enough, that is not always the way i feel about home. even though it is familiar, it does not feel safe. it feels rocky, unstable and i feel like i am always being watched-not seen. and that is a really hard transition from living here and feeling so known. it feels like it demands performance and perfection and a slip up would mean ultimate doom. highhhh stakesss!! which i know, in my mind, is not reality. but that is still how it feels.

its easy while i’m here to get even more offended. to feel even more like i cant trust God and how dare He bring me to this place that feels so unsafe. aren’t we supposed to go from glory to glory? not glory to misery. why would He spend time growing and developing my heart to bring me somewhere to starve it out?

but that isn’t true either. He brought me there BECAUSE of what He grew and stewarded. not in spite of it, or because He forgot. my being there is not an oversight. its intentional. and purposeful.

one of the people i have been able to connect with while im here on this short trip was talking to me about this quote she saw from a small business owner talked about how now she is doing great and seeing so much fruit from all her hard work, but the real victory and glory was in the beginning-when she kept showing up when it didn’t make sense, it wasn’t always working and the numbers weren’t stellar. it was her perseverance and dedication to what she was doing that brought the fruit and success in the future.

that really resonated with me. i know that to be true. and i am keenly aware in the middle of this season that i am learning invaluable lessons and getting gold deposits (even though it feels like dynamite exploding the mine shaft). and its hard to think about not being able to see the fruit, i may never see this fruit. in the way i expect at least. even if the only fruit i see is the fruit in my own life- i need to be more in-tune with and aware of what that might be or look like.

although i may not feel like i am in my dream job right now, that doesn’t mean that this is not a integral part of the dream to come. its part of the cost. its part of the process. its part of learning and growing. but in the same breath, it is the dream job. because the dream was to work with Jesus. the dream was to love His church. the dream was to help heal His bride. and that is what i am doing. even though it is not the way i thought it would be or even the way i wanted to be. it is important. it is significant. it is worthy work.

and one thing i have to let sink is, is the Father is not disappointed in me. He isn’t frustrated that i am not using my social work degree in a traditional form. He isn’t frustrated that i don’t know all the ways to do my job now. He isn’t mad that i am struggling in certain areas and don’t have all the answers. that’s hard for me to understand because i am frustrated at myself for those reasons. so if i’m upset about them, how could He not be?

I’m trying to learn to integrate all of this. because this is all part of the cost. this is how i learn how to process and move through my life and job. the cost is the struggle. the cost is dealing with these hurts in my heart, to become a more integrate, healthy person in my professional and personal life. because all of these things will form me and grow me into the clinician, pastor, friend, sister, daughter and hopefully eventually wife and mother that I am called to be.

this is all part of the dream.